Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
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i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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