all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
