Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
