she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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