Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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