He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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