I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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