Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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