dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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