I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
