made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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