and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
