I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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