I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
