If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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