chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
