he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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