i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
