I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
