This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
