I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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