Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
There's always time for handjobs
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
