Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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