Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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