I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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