So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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