Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
