my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
