I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone came in the potted fern
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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