so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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