And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
