and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
FUCK WHALES
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
