I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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