i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
