Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
