Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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