i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
porn star boner night. come get it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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