I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
