Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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