WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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