My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
