the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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