why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
