I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
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pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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