On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
