look no pants
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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