so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
