If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
