I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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