Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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