We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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