When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
