I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
