ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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