Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
