I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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