I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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