Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
