Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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