i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
