dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
